


In Absentia

by askboo



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Multiple Universes Colliding, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 02:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10323659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/askboo/pseuds/askboo
Summary: Merlin comes into emotional contact with other versions of himself.(Arthur pulled Merlin roughly into his arms and held him tightly, trying desperately over the sound of Merlin's grief to understand what it would be like to feel so acutely what had never come to pass.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> If we're in the Berenstain universe, then we are ALSO in the Arthur never died universe, okay?!

Arthur was drawn from the warm cover of a surface sleep by the sound of a key entering the lock.

He'd been aware of only a few things - the light of the candles dancing behind his eyes, the sound of Gwen as she turned the page of her book beside him, her smell - like jasmine. It was a potent recipe, along with the day's work, for putting Arthur adrift. He'd fallen asleep with his hand on her rounded belly again, feeling for the baby's hummingbird heart. 

The intruder at the door, of course, was Merlin. He entered like a shadow, barely leaving a crack before he turned and shut it quietly behind him, this time setting the bar. Arthur pushed himself up on his elbow, the sheet pooling at his waist, as Gwen shut her book with a quiet smack. It had ages since he'd had a visit from Merlin - at least a fortnight. They saw him during the day, of course, performing his duties. But he'd been different, needing whatever space he could reasonable take - and he looked now as he had looked then, darkness smudged beneath his eyes, his mouth pulled down around a terrible frown. Arthur and Gwen knew to him allow him that space when he was like this, but the worry was agonizing. 

"I'd better go," Gwen whispered.

Arthur normally would have protested - Gwen had her own chambers, which she was happy to use when Merlin was here, but he'd insisted on keeping her here when she was so close to the birth. He didn't care how much she shifted around trying to get comfortable, or how often she got up to relieve herself in the night. It was worth it to him to have her close, but tonight...he didn't think Merlin had slept in those two weeks. He was staring at them with dark eyes, saying nothing.

"I'll walk you," he whispered back, but Gwen shook her head, getting slowly up from the bed. She walked around with her hands on her belly, and leaned down to press a kiss to Arthur's waiting lips.

"I'll manage," she said with a smile. Her lovely brown eyes strayed back to Merlin. "I think he needs you most of all tonight."

Arthur watched her walk to the doors, unbar them and slip through. He had no idea where she got those strange intuitions - Gwen was infinitely more comforting than himself. Especially in these moments, when Merlin got so sick. It happened sometimes when magical things in the world went wrong. Arthur didn't pretend to understand it. Something about the balance of life, or other nonsense. Arthur couldn't feel any of it, but he could _see_ it in Merlin, the way it seemed to warp him, like his soul was being pulled in two directions. It was particular bad this time - some idiot witch from Mercia had tried to travel through _time_ or rather, the same time, but a different _place_ in this time. To change things, or...to live a life that had always been different. It gave Arthur an ache in his temple just to make sense of it.

She'd failed, of course, but what she had managed to do had disturbed things enough that Merlin just wasn't right. He'd said he didn't know how long it would take before it all settled.

When Merlin climbed into the bed, Arthur slithered his body down until he and Merlin were laying nose to nose. He was quiet. He'd learned over many years of trial and by watching Gwen that it was easier to coax answers out of Merlin than demand them. Boring, but easier.

When Arthur kissed him, Merlin made a sound he had never heard before. The first touch of lips was gentle, hesitant on Merlin's part, like the _very_ first kiss, but then Merlin took hold of his head in a painfully strong grip, and the kiss went sloppy and desperate. A kiss like that would normally go right to Arthur's dick, but--Merlin was crying again, gasping out against Arthur's lips.

"Merlin," Arthur whispered, putting his fingers on Merlin's mouth to stop him from claiming another kiss. He brought his mouth up to Merlin's forehead instead. "Tell me. Please."

Merlin gasped out against Arthur's neck, his slim frame shuddering. "...you died."

Arthur pulled back again, taking Merlin's face in his hands this time. He swiped away the tears with his thumb, but more only came. "You saw...when I'll die?" 

"I see all the ways you could have died by now," Merlin whispered, and he squeezed his beautiful blue eyes shut. "I _feel_ every version of myself that's lost you by now. You're here, but to them, you're _gone_ , and I--"

Arthur was sure he'd never felt so helpless, as he'd never seen Merlin sob like this, like there was no hope left for him in the world. What was worse was that he couldn't understand what Merlin was trying to tell him. What other versions? Arthur _hadn't_ ever died. He didn't know what to say to make that clear, so he pulled Merlin roughly into his arms and held him tightly, trying desperately over the sound of Merlin's grief to understand what it would be like to feel so acutely what had never come to pass. 

"Merlin," Arthur murmured into his hair. "I'm here, with you. Now."

"But they're not," he whispered. "I can feel what they're feeling. The world is empty, without you. It's colourless, it's pointless - and there's no end to it."

"Then," Arthur said, after a moment. He gripped Merlin even tighter against his body. "Show them what _you_ are feeling. Here with me now."

It seemed Arthur had stumbled by complete accident onto a good idea. After a moment of silence, Merlin shuddered and sank completely into his arms. He cried, still, but ever so slowly his breathing evened out. Arthur closed his eyes in relief. He would hold him as long as it took. He would hold him for days. Or he'd hold _his_ Merlin. He felt sorry for the others, but couldn't abide them taking up so much painful space in Merlin's head. "I'll hold them all for a little while," he whispered into Merlin's hair. He cast off, as he had the moment he fell in love with Merlin, the embarrassment of saying such a ludicrous thing. "But then you must tell them to go."

It wasn't as easy as all that. It did take some time, and when Merlin finally lifted his head with clear eyes, the sun was starting to make itself known at the edge of the hills. Arthur leaned his head down and pressed kisses along his swollen skin. "Idiot," he murmured. "If you'd only told me days ago."

Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur's neck and hauled him so that Arthur's whole body was on top of him. He liked to hold Arthur like that, and watch the sun rise. He didn't answer for another few moments. "I wasn't sure if feeling you would help," he said softly. "Maybe...just a taste of it would have been unbearable."

"Was it?"

Merlin's hand came up to play with the curls at Arthur's neck. "No," he whispered. "It reminded them what they're waiting for."

Whatever that meant.

"This ghosts in your head thing isn't going to last forever, is it?"

That earned him a tug on his hair. "No."

Arthur lifted his head to smile at Merlin, resting his chin on his chest. "But, there must be some good stories. Some...versions of you where I'm still there and better than ever."

Merlin's smile was so beautiful on normal days, but after two weeks of its absence, Arthur felt himself go nearly slack-jawed. "There are some," he said. "There's one in particular where _you_ were _my_ servant."

"I said _better_."

"You made king in the end," Merlin said. He bent his head to kiss Arthur on the mouth. "No matter what the story, you're always the hero."

Arthur couldn't help but smile at that, and ask for more kisses. He felt his head swimming, and he lay his head down on Merlin's chest, moving his body just a little bit sideways so he could lay his full weight without crushing him. Merlin had the best voice for stories. "Tell me one, then," he murmured. "A happy one, start to finish."


End file.
